Isaiah 40:11 (a) – He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom…(biblegateway.com)
I was a lost lamb. Nothing made sense. I needed God’s guidance. I found myself doing a lot of reflecting. It was important to me to understand how I arrived at this station in life so that I could determine what behaviors I needed to change to ensure THIS was the last time I would ever end up in this horrible place.
The most profound discovery that I made was that I did not know my value and worth. People have always had positive, encouraging things to say about me and have told me how I have impacted their lives for good, yet, I did not know my value.
As I consecrated myself to the Lord and decided that I would be exclusively HIS for an undetermined amount of time (I am still exclusively His), He began to show me the gifts, talents and abilities that He put in me. He would lead me to Bible passages that spoke to my value as His personal creation that is unconditionally loved. He led me to promises in His Word that assured me that He would never leave me nor forsake (forget about) me. (Hebrews 13:5(b)). He led me to Isaiah 54:5-6 (KJV) which I held on to for dear life:
” 5 For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
6 For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.” (biblegateway.com)
In the days, months and years that followed, I would come to know God in ways I never have before. The Lord became my personal companion.
I even felt ashamed to go to church. I was convinced that every time someone laid eyes on me, all they saw was “DIVORCED!” I was ashamed. I felt like a failure and a poor example to those who respected and looked up to me. Did I mention that I have been a minister for the past 23 years? I felt condemned. When a house is condemned, it is good for nothing and ready to be demolished. But, I read Romans 8:1 (KJV) – “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” It was not God condemning me, it was satan. There is POWER in TRUTH! Knowing God’s truth empowered me to dismiss the lies of satan. If you do not have Biblical TRUTH, you have no defense. I would spend weeks and months sorting out what was a lie and what was the truth.
God’s perspective of my situation was the total opposite of satan’s. Psalm 34:18 (TLB) states, “The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking; he rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins.”
God showed me that I married men who were never intended to be a part of my life. I married for the wrong reasons. The first time, I was 21 and pregnant and did not want my child born into an illegitimate situation. The second time, I allowed my financial needs to lead me to compromise even though there were Red flags. It is not easy to be this transparent, but I hope my transparency will ignite caution in others so they do not fall into the same “traps”.
Ladies, please know that we have the ability to talk ourselves into relationships that God has not sanctioned and we, at times, open doors to men that are not even worthy of a conversation with us.
…yes, I have been foolish and I have paid dearly for my mistakes. My children have been hurt, my extended family and friends have been hurt. Divorce does not just happen to the married couple, it happens to everyone that loves them. It is the “ripping” apart of two souls.
Thank God for redemption…